A Christian, An American Family Outcast

This is easily the most difficult post that I have ever attempted to write. And it is not difficult because I'm writing on an even remotely complicated topic. It is difficult to write because the topic pains me enough to send streams of tears down my cheek as I write this.

Going home (to my parents house) for me has been getting increasingly harder each year that I've known Christ. First, it is a reminder of my old self...the self with enormous selfish ambition, idolatry...really just hatred of God. That reminder is certainly a gift in how it points to the extent of my sanctification. However, because I do love my family, and because we have many similar interests, it is very easy for me to fall back into that idolatrous world in which I once lived day in and day out. Looking back, I absolutely despise who I once was. While this is difficult, it is not the reason that my eyes presently leak.

I love my family. But my family flat out rejects the gospel. Half of my family would rather rely on their "good works" - rejecting Christ's offer of freedom from the sin that they are enslaved to...they have been tricked into believing that there are multiple ways to heaven. I'm not sure I even want to know what their picture of heaven is. The other half simply rejects God's existence. My heart grieves so much because only a few years ago I was right where they are: I doubted God's existence and made an attempted at being holy to please myself, parents, whoever would see me...I flat out rejected the gospel. But since then, the Spirit has opened my eyes and revealed the glorious freedom offered by Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Simply put, my heart grieves because they don't know Christ. Tears pour from my eyes because no matter how much I pray for them, or how good (or bad) my presentation of the gospel is or my limit to the extent of my library of apologetics, ultimately it's God that must call them to faith and repentance. A part of my old self wishes that there was something that I could do to bring them to faith....but the Bible says that that faith is 100% a gift from God. All that I can do is tell them about Jesus and pray...and so went the past 3 or 4 years of sharing and deliberate prayer each week.

It does almost seem selfish to devote so much prayer time (and to ask so many other people to pray with me) to a few specific people to to faith. Jesus never said to pick the people that you want to hang out with in heaven and share the gospel with them. But we certainly do have a unique connection with our families. I have no doubt that God put me in this family for some reason...it might be to lead them to Christ, and it might not. Regardless of how messed up they are, we love them because they are simply family.

A huge setback in sharing Christ with my family is that I don't know a single Christian in my hometown that I could ask for help to also speak truth into their lives. I feel absolutely hopeless when it comes to ever any fruit come from my family. Admittedly, I am incredibly jealous of those of you with godly parents who walk according to the gospel. At the same time I rejoice with you for the way that God has built up entire families that live solely to magnify the glory of Christ.

A part of me just wants to see Jesus coming through the clouds on his majestic white horse, carrying a sword just so I can say: "I told you so". However, I would much, much, much rather have them join me in saying "to live is Christ, and to die is GAIN". More than anything this measly world could offer, I desire to return to my creator and to spend eternity with Him...I look forward to the day when evangelism, especially evangelism with family members is no longer something that we mourn for.

Please, PLEASE pray with me that God would do something amazing in their lives. Pray that by absolutely whatever means necessary, my family (parents, sister, grandparents, etc) would come to know Christ Jesus as their Lord and Savior, turn from their sin and walk in His light. Please also pray for the countless Christians in this world that, like me, are the only 'different' members of their families....it's not easy for them by any stretch of the imagination.